poetry-protest-pornography:

I was a pinch hitter in the Sterek Reverse Bang this year, and I wrote for this lovely art and playlist by the lovely @samanthahirr

The playlist is here, and I think it will enhance your reading experience, as the playlist told such a cohesive story on its own, and the lyrics heavily influenced my writing.
This story really wanted to be a whole novel, but I hope you all enjoy what I was able to come up with as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Summary: Stiles begins exploring his Spark after almost losing Derek to the horror-of-the-week, but he doesn’t want to tell anyone about it until he’s got it under control. When he and Derek finally come together, the secret gets harder to keep, and his magical studies take a turn toward the dark side.Derek brings him back.

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Stiles spends a lot of time thinking about the difference between belief, and hope. About the line between wishing for something, and willing into being. Sometimes, he isn’t certain he really wants to figure it all out, because if he did, he’s afraid he’d have to face the reality of a life that’s very different than the one he fought so hard for.

At least, he thinks he fought for it; that he worked hard to build himself into the man he is, into someone his dad trusts, someone that Derek loves. It’s just that he’s also terrified that he inadvertently magicked Derek into wanting him through the sheer force of his desire for the other man to return his feelings.

If he’s honest with himself, that is the reason he hasn’t told anyone that he’s been studying magic, that he’s discovered he’s powerful, more powerful than he could have imagined when he began to research spellwork and tap into his so-called Spark. The fear that he’s somehow stripped Derek of his choice, put the man he loves in a situation far too similar to the abuse of his past is all consuming, some days. So, he does what he used to. Compartmentalizes, ignores the problem. Waits until it’s too big to ignore.

He can’t lose Derek, he’s not strong enough to survive it.

So, he waits. Tells himself he’s wrong; pushes the fear into a deep, dark corner, and promises himself he won’t ever make Derek regret choosing him. Stiles tells himself that he wasn’t practised enough with his magic to influence a butterfly, let alone a whole person–a werewolf, even. It’s enough of a reassurance most days that he can let Derek’s fond gazes melt him, let his touch send comfort and electricity through him in turn, let his presence and his wit and his boundless affection fill up all the places inside of him that felt empty. Let Derek be his home.

It’s enough, it’s enough, I’m enough, he tells himself.

***Eight months earlier***

It’s all too much sometimes. The weight of the knowledge of werewolves, and banshees, and magic. The fear of what would happen if Stiles’ research was faulty, or if his dad was alone when a rogue omega attacked, or if Scott and Derek and Isaac, Erica and Boyd and Malia and Lydia, if any of them were a split second too slow, or took a hit to the wrong place, a place they couldn’t heal in time to survive. The reality of being the only one of them that had no natural defenses against the next big bad. It’s all too much.

The last monster of the moment had come close–too close–to taking Derek out. To leaving Stiles’ world in tatters. And he refuses to let it happen again. Watching Derek’s body struggle to hold itself together, watching the pain drain the light from his eyes, feeling the strength leave him as his grip on Stiles’ hand went lax… It left Stiles feeling hollow and terrified for days afterward, until the fear grew into a burning hot rage.

No one–no thing–would ever hurt his pack like this ever again. He was going to make sure of it.

On AO3 here!

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