FIC WHERE THEY KNOW EACH OTHER BUT THEY DON’T KNOW THEY KNOW EACH OTHER (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
my friend can’t stop talking about how they want to set me up with their other friend so we start texting each other and they’re hilarious but shy about meeting and ALSO there’s a cute bike delivery guy who brings my mail at work and winks at me whenever i sign for a package AU
i’m obsessed with a food blogger who writes about cheap ways to be gourmet in your 20s and i flirt with them over comments but they never post pictures of their face and ALSO there’s a really cute grocery bagger at the store down the street who teases me and always asks to join me for dinner and i definitely want to say yes AU
there’s an overnight IT person at school who always answers the phone when i call about a problem with my computer and i totally have a crush on their voice and their exasperation and ALSO the bakery down the street is always running out of my fave scones and the adorable person behind the counter can’t hide their amusement and i think it’s super rude but also super cute AU
my boss is always telling me how perfect her son would be for me and she promises he’s coming to the next holiday party and don’t worry he’s heard all about me too and ALSO there’s this dude i slept with once a couple of months ago and sometimes he still sends me dick pics when i ask him to at 3 in the morning cause seriously dude’s got a good dick AU
our kids are bitter rivals and the only time we ever meet is when we’re both called to the principal’s office and whatever maybe i think you’re kind of cute but your kid’s a monster and ALSO someone keeps buying the last everything bagel at my favorite coffee shop 2 minutes before i get there in the morning and has heard about my plight and has started leaving me bragging notes about it AU
i hired a dog walking company and i’ve never met the person who comes to my apartment but they leave me really cute notes and they give my dog presents and i kind of love them because my dog does and ALSO one of the artists at this gallery opening is hella cute and i want them to paint me like one of their french girls AU
SPOILER ALERT: IT’S ALWAYS THE SAME PERSON AND IT ALWAYS ENDS HAPPY
When characters A and B are facing some danger and character A puts out an arm to protect character B
Good variations:
-Character B doesn’t realize the danger until character A puts out his or her arm -Character A isn’t the larger or stronger character but still takes responsibility for character B’s safety -Character A doesn’t stand a chance against the danger -Character A continues talking like there isn’t anything wrong while standing between character B and the threat -Character A doesn’t get along with character B and/or vice versa -The danger is comically minor -Character A has seemed helpless or bumbling but is now revealing inner depths and hidden strength
Being able to sleep in almost any situation or position
Irresistible urge to chase squirrels and rabbits
Hating the vacuum cleaner
Wanting to do everything with friends
Loudly and repeatedly announcing to housemates that someone is at the door
Long, shouted conversations to other werewolves across the neighborhood (bonus points at 2am)
Taking advantage of any and all free food
Werewolf-vampire solidarity
Fighting any animal that trespasses into the backyard
Boundless energy
Too much energy
Eating out of the trash if it smells tasty
Being bad at sports because you don’t want to let anyone else take the ball from you. Then destroying the ball in front of everyone because you want to make a point
Trying to fight things 10x your size like a fucking idiot
Being unable to hold a grudge for more than a few hours
Trying to make people feel bad for you over mundane things that aren’t actually that bad. And somehow succeeding.
Snoring
Needing to try a bit of your friends’ food, even if you’ve tried it 5645674 times before and have never once liked it
Getting way too friendly with random strangers
Being in a love-hate relationship with water
Digging. For no reason.
Thinking you’re a badass despite being a hyperactive ball of emotions and hedonism
Loud sobbing while pressing yourself up against the sliding glass door at your friends who locked you out because they were tired of your bullshit and wanted some goddamn peace and quiet
“You’re
the cute and quiet customer that frequents the coffee shop where I’m a barista
and also where my rival barista works and we’re both fighting for your
attention in increasingly creative and inconspicuous ways (making foam art,
writing cheesy pick-up lines on your napkin etc. etc.)” AU.
“You’re
my roommate who’s super cute and it’s the middle of the night and you’re
cramming for your exams in your flannel pajamas and disheveled hair and it’s
becoming increasingly hard for me not to kiss you” AU.
“You’re
an Art student and I’m an English major and you keep stealing the papers for my
assignment to doodle and I would kill you but you’re really cute and hey that’s
actually a really nice sketch” AU.
“You’re
the perpetual frowner in class and one day as I’m answering the teacher I
intentionally make a very cheesy pun and I can hear crickets but you’re laughing
out loud and that makes me feel very much accomplished” AU.
“The
manager says the only reason the restaurant where we work at is popular is because
people enjoy eating while watching our relentless flirting with each other but
I swear to God we’re not flirting???” AU.
“I
ditch prom to attend a local poetry slam and you’re also there and I never
really noticed what a cute smile you have and hey do you maybe want to bond
over our mutual love for ‘Howl’???” AU.
“You’re
new in town and you seem very intimidating but as it turns out you have an
awful sense of direction even with a map and you’re actually adorkable so here
let me help you” AU.
“It’s
Valentine’s Day and I’m single and you want to cheer me up but you can’t cook
nor bake to save your life so you make me hot chocolate instead and it is delicious and I think I love you???” AU.
“It’s
gym class and we’re playing volleyball and you spike really well and you manage
to hit the ball square in my face and I think I’m bleeding and you’re
apologizing profusely and it’s okay but you’re really cute so I guess I’ll take
you up on that offer for coffee” AU.
“You’re
the jerk-face customer that keeps on thumbing through their phone while ordering
their drink so I exact revenge by spelling your name wrong on your cup and
drawing phallic pictures on your coffee” AU.
“Our
mutual friend invites us to go shopping with them and it’s kind of awkward and
now you’re pushing them around the mall in a shopping cart and you’re both
screaming like excited children and I’m paying the cashier and pretending I don’t
know either of you” AU.
“Our
mutual friend invites us for Thanksgiving dinner with their other friends and
now there’s a full-fledged food fight going on with potatoes and turkey flying
everywhere and we’re both seeking refuge under the table whilst sharing a bag
of chips that you brought (just in case)” AU.
“You
and I are both baristas at a coffee shop and one day I step out of the café to
take a break and walk in on you gleefully drawing phallic pictures on the
chalkboard outside that no one pays attention to so what are you doing?” AU.
“You
and I go out to a sushi bar and the sushi chef yells at you for being allergic
to a particular kind of fish and now you’re crying and I’m trying to comfort
you” AU.
“You
and I are at a sushi restaurant and you’re continuously snagging sushi off the
belt that I have to pay for and you don’t seem to be going to stop anytime soon
but you look so cute when you’re eating with that smile on your face what the
hell man” AU.
“The
mailman constantly mixes up your home address and mine together and keeps on
sending me your letters and packages and I’m sorry I look through them but your
life seems very interesting as well as those books on black magic in one of your
packages so wanna talk about it over a cup of coffee?” AU.
“We’re
both strangers sitting in the same booth at an eatery because all the other
booths are full and you’re drawing smiley faces on your plate with ketchup and
wow your concentrated frown is cute” AU.
“It’s
our mutual friend’s wedding and they keep shoving us into each other because we’re
the only ones at the ceremony who are single” AU.
“You’re
my roommate and it’s way past midnight and you’re talking about how Charles
Dickens inspired prison reform and how the moon must feel insignificant because
it borrows light from the sun and this is all very interesting but will you
please shut up and go to sleep” AU.
“You’re
actually a really friendly and chill vampire and at night you float around
outside of my bedroom window to talk with me about the universe and stuff” AU.
“You’re
going through my sketchbook and giving questioning looks and I swear to God I’m
just a deranged artist and not a serial killer” AU.
“We
live next door to each other and I can see you through the window while you’re
dancing to your iPod in your flannel pajamas and disheveled hair and God you’re
a dork” AU.
“I’ve
been standing in line at the coffee shop for hours and you casually cut through
for your drink but also buy me my favorite blend and now I’m not so sure what
to make of you” AU.
“I’m
sick so you make me chicken soup and I’m really grateful but I’ve also seen you
read books on magical spells and potion-making so I’m not sure if I should
drink your soup in case it turns me into a toad” AU.
“There’s
a scrawny black cat in our neighborhood that hates everyone and everything but
follows you around for some reason and I see you pet it and feed it fish fries
are you a witch” AU
“I’m
a perpetual frowner and most certainly not a morning person and I work
part-time at a breakfast bar and your disheveled hair and content smile as you
eat my waffles and scrambled eggs is the only thing that can get me to smile”
AU.
“You’re
the one in class who has tattoos all over their arms and piercings and
everybody’s scared of you and one day I catch you watching cat videos and doodling
in the middle of a lecture and wow you’re a dork” AU.
“I
work part-time as a cashier at the local corner store and you come here
regularly to shop and bond with me over the microwavable chicken bites so how
about I take you out on a proper date instead?” AU.
“I’m
the owner of a magic shop and you discover my magics one day when you walk in
on my cat flying around inside the shop on a broom and now I have to take you
in as my apprentice or turn you into a toad” AU.
“You’re
the health-conscious med student and I’m the chain-smoking art student who’s
also your barista and you leave me notes on smoking and lung health on your
napkins and also a 20-page essay on lung cancer tucked under your saucer” AU.
“You’re
a tea-lover yet you come to the coffee shop where I work at just to see my foam
art and you give me hefty tips regularly so I’ve taken it upon myself to master
the art of tea-making just for you” AU.
“I’m
a fashion major and I’m working on my illustrations and maybe I’ve had too much
coffee but I swear I just saw one of the mannequins move so here I am calling
you in the middle of the night please help I’m scared” AU.
“You
work at a fast food restaurant and as you hand me my food you lecture me for
ruining my health what is this hypocrisy” AU.
“I’m
egging a random person’s house to relieve stress and you join me and as it
turns out the house belongs to your ex and now they are chasing us as well as
the police and now we’re both in jail waiting to be bailed so um you wanna talk
about it?” AU.
I accidentally deleted the ask, but anon basically said “do you have any more florist anecdotes?” And YOU BET I DO!!
–
So one day this girl walks in, wet rag to her face, and rushes over to me, phone in hand. “HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS….eey-low veer-uh plant??”
I had. As we’re headed to the succulents, the story comes out. She’s heard that aloe vera is good for soothing pain and….she leans close, super embarrassed, and whispers that she just went and got her mustache waxed off, and….she shows me her lip. Huge, swollen, little red bumps. She’s tried to cover it with makeup, and that’s made it worse. She’s getting teary, because she’s scared, but she’s lucky because she’s talking to me!!
We talk about a lot of stuff, skin care, hair removal, I won’t bore y’all since it’s not flowers, but I was able to give her some advice on it, and I’m thinking “okay she might not need a plant, but whatever” but she’s DETERMINED TO COMPLETE HER MISSION.
We get to the succulents, and I give her my whole aloe vera spiel (I love these plants!! My mom has a huge one that’s almost 25 years old!!) and the girl nods very very seriously, and buys one.
Before she leaves, she comes over to me, dead ass serious and informs me that this plant is her “super buddy” now, and she’s named him Ralph.
–
In my previous post I mentioned a nervous husband with his wife on their first Valentine’s Day. Here’s that story:
So the guy, for a mental image: mid-30s black man, very well dressed in a nice work suit, leather laptop bag. Normally I’m MILDLY wary of v well dressed men, because a lot of them are uh…Difficult.
This wasn’t one of them! He was super nervous, looking through all the mason jar arrangements Very Seriously. He looked super focused and was having trouble picking through them, so I went over to help.
This nice man has four ladies to get flowers for. His wife, and their three daughters. He wanted to get mason jars for the girls (all under ten) and he was hoping to find them in their favorite colors.
I realized what he was doing, which was trying to find jars with predominantly pink, red, and purple themes. And since it wasn’t super busy, I just smiled and told him we could rearrange the jars in the color themes.
He was so BLOWN AWAY. I think he wanted to cry when I busted out the ribbons and made big bows for each jar! (Appropriately colored!!) (also while I was scavenging for flowers, he whipped out his phone and showed me some of their pictures. They’re so cute!! These girls are his princesses, for sure.)
So now His Wife. We were already on a roll, so once his jars were ready we started patrolling for The Perfect Bouquet. And as it happens once you start talking about personal stuff, his story came out!
So the girls are from Wife’s previous marriage. He married her last year, and he really wants to show them that he Really Loves Them. Like, these girls are His GIRLS. His phone still has their entire wedding album!! He shows me her bouquet, and he wants to get flowers that are like the bouquet, but MORE.
So we have the choices down to three big bouquets. He legit stands there for a solid FORTY FIVE MINUTES, just comparing and thinking about it. (I left him to it, obv.)
He then comes up, very serious, and asks what it would cost to combine the two bouquets he’s picked. He’s also picked out a vase and a card, and some chocolate.
I quoted the price (Not Cheap) and he just nods, dead serious, and walks away and pays for it. Like up front. And I’m like, well shit, this needs to be the most amazing thing I’ve done. So I clear the counter, because this is a man on a mission, and we put those flowers together into a MASTERPIECE.
It’s hard to explain size, but these flowers were big enough to hide behind!! I got him a nice box and we carefully packaged this sucker for safe transport in his tiny sports car (the jars for his girls all fit in the drink holders, which was hilarious for reasons I can’t explain. Also hilarious is that he had to manually take the top off of the convertible to fit the flowers and was totally willing to drive home IN THE COLD with it down if he had to, luckily he didn’t)
I sent him on His Odyssey. He was SO HAPPY, and I was so happy because I love good experiences that have triple digit sales, and he was so patient and nice!! Love is real.
(He came back with his friends about three hours later, and they got nice flowers as well! They were all calling me Miss Hexalene by the end, and their good moods infected every other customer in the store, which is the best infection we get in flu season)
–
One of my favorite customers is this nice old lesbian who comes in and has one of our potted orchids in hand, big smirk on her face.
“My wife hates roses, so I’m getting her thi—“ she breaks off and her eyes go HUGE.
So she’s carrying this normal orchid, about a foot and a half tall, purple, v cute. She has just spotted our cymbidium orchids behind me, which GOOGLE THESE PUPPIES!! Ours came in, they’re THREE FEET TALL without the pot. Half of the plant is bloomed into these big beautiful brown/orange flowers, and the other half is still growing. They’re massive and I love them.
So this old lesbian (she’s about 60, cute boycut with all white hair, nice mom jeans and one of those balloony pico shirts) very deliberately sets her Lesser Orchid down, and points to the cymbidium orchids. “THAT. I need that.”
She’s got the absolute best shit-eating grin on her face, btw. She can’t stop laughing. She’s even crying with laughter a bit and while we’re strapping These Beasts (SHE BOUGHT FOUR OF THEM??) into her truck, she tells me about how her wife hates roses because she got a thorn tip stuck in her hand permanently as a kid. So every Valentine’s Day she goes on a hunt for the weirdest flower/most out of season flower she can find. These orchids are the best find she’s had since the 80s, when she brought home a massive Silver Vase Plant that’s still alive 30 years later.
–
So I’m gonna stop with these three before I obliterate everyone’s dashes!! 8) thank you for the ask!!
theproblemwithstardust 