See also: Derek eventually find out that S.T.I.L.E.S. (OR G.E.N.I.M.!!!) is based on a real person, whom he eventually meets. and by meets I mean fucks and falls in love with.
Derek should have known something was up when he gets the car free of charge – cars like that don’t just change hands for no reason, and certainly not without significant amounts of money being involved. He takes the keys anyway, and because the universe hates him, and he’s also apparently not learned the “Definitely look a gift horse in the mouth, you idiot” lesson well enough, he immediately regrets his decision.
Well, immediately is probably a bit of an overstatement. It’s more ‘as soon as he gets in the car’ than ‘as soon as the keys are handed over’ but really it’s the principle of the matter.
“So tall, dark, and handsome, where are you taking me? Better be somewhere classy – I’m not a cheap date.” Derek jumps at that because while he may not be the most observant person ever, he’s pretty fucking sure no one else got in the car with him, and a quick scan of the interior proves he’s all alone.
“BOO!” There’s a bit of a snicker after that one, followed by some theatrical but completely stereotypical ghost noises, which Derek can’t locate for the life of him. He considers that this is the former owner’s idea of a cheap prank, pressing buttons on the radio to see if that will cease the constant stream of howls that are now playing on repeat.
“Oh hey, hey man that – that tickles oh boy wow okay no don’t push that button oh god stop that” If it’s possible, the voice – the male voice – is pretty breathless now, and Derek wrenches his fingers away from the console in pure, unadulterated horror.
“Okay, so a little more intimate than I was hoping to get before proper intros, but you know, I guess I can make an exception for you big guy. Pretty magnanimous of me, if I do say so myself.” There is at least one word in there that Derek does not understand, and he wrinkles his brow in confusion. “Never mind doll face, don’t worry your pretty little head over it. All you need to know is I’ll be the JARVIS to your Tony Stark. The Alfred to your Bruce Wayne, the – ”
“Is this some kind of joke?” Derek asks, interrupting the superhero analogies in an attempt to get this kid – and it definitely sounds like a kid, probably somewhere in his teens with the way his voice hasn’t dropped too low – to shut up. “Tell me where the hidden camera is so I can rip it out and get some peace and quiet in here.”
“Look man, no joke okay? Like, legit. I would make another JARVIS analogy, but you don’t look the comic book type. But hey, I get it. Well, no, not really, because if my car started comparing itself to JARVIS I’d be pretty fucking pumped so – ”
“Where. Is. The. Camera.” Derek grits out, hands clenched in his lap as he glares suspiciously around the interior, trying to locate any obvious blinking lights that might indicate a camcorder. Clearly he’s being taped, since the reactions from this kid are real time and appropriate to the situation. Unless every new owner of this car reacts the exact same way each time, Derek seriously doubts this is prerecorded playback.
“No cameras! Well, actually, that’s kind of a lie. Like, a really dirty, filthy lie. I have tons of cameras. But. You know. They don’t lead to a person on the other side.” By now Derek has leaned over the front seat to start pulling on the seatbelts in the back and trying to tear up upholstery. There’s a bit of a muffled scream before the passenger side seat flips up to reveal an empty compartment and a CD comes flying out of the console.
“Don’t do that dude! How would you like it if I started, I dunno, ripping your hair out? Rude.” The seat resettles itself, and the console lights up before a screen flips into existence. “Why don’t you just take a look at this informational video for a sec before you start dismantling me because man, that is really unpleasant let me tell you.” The screen crackles to life and an insignia that looks vaguely military flashes across it for a few seconds before Derek is shown a rotating 3D model of the car he’s currently sitting in.
“Welcome [New Owner] Please enter name —” a cool female voice reads off to him as a keyboard is pulled up on the bottom of the screen. Derek tentatively enters letters into the touchpad and the screen flickers again, this time showing a pixilated sprite of a clearly male teenager – and Derek so called that – waving jauntily at him.
“Welcome [Derek]! Prepare for a wild ride. I’m Security Training for International Lemurs and Illegitimate Sisters. Okay, I’m totally making that up, but that’s way cooler than what it actually stands for so whatever. Cleverly, it becomes the acronym S.T.I.L.E.S. which, when pronounced, almost sounds like a name! You know how most guys consider their cars female? Yeah, no. I feel like the ladybug from ‘Bug’s Life’ every time I burst their bubble. Anyway, moving along – ” The sprite wanders to the edge of the screen and starts making its way along the dashboard, lighting up features as it goes. “This is all really important shit you should probably look up in the owner’s manual at some point, but you know, if you ask nicely enough I could probably tell you. Oh yeah, most important bit, I am your car.” As if to punctuate the point, everything in the car starts going haywire before the sprite dramatically raises its arms and everything stops. “As in, I’m the A.I. that lives, breathes, and controls everything in this car, from your music – ” and here a gruff voice snaps ‘Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole’ “ – to the speed of the car.” The engine revs dramatically, followed by a satisfying hum that vibrates throughout the whole car. “So be nice to me, and I’ll consider not ejecting you.” Stiles – and wow, okay, Derek did not just use that name – sounds very self satisfied as the car shuts itself off, the sprite disappearing after giving him a cheeky grin and a wave. The screen flips back into the console, leaving Derek in utter silence.
Well, for all of four seconds. Derek counted.
“Pretty cool huh? Man, there is nothing like freedom. Please tell me you’re some kind of transient vagabond who travels across the US – been cooped up in the city too long and I could use a good road trip.”
Derek growls, but he nods an affirmative. After all, hunting down Kate is going to be the biggest road trip he’ll ever take.
((So this kind of got away from me. Also, is there a way to insert a “read more” on this? I’m super bad at Tumblr guys.))
okay but which person in your otp takes the occasional cool shower to relax and which one joins them expecting sexy times only to receive an unpleasant surprise
Derek takes the cool shower because he finds it relaxing since his temperature is a little above normal and Stiles comes home after along day at work and hears the shower on and he’s just so exhausted and the best way for him to relax is of course Derek, so he heads to their shared bathroom not really intending on sexy times but hey if it happens well he has no problems with that, he just wants to be with Derek right now. So he undresses on the way to bathroom, leaving a line of clothes behind him so by time he gets to the the bathroom he’s naked and all this time he hasn’t said anything but Derek heard him so he has been waiting for him and has stepped away from the spray so Stiles has to get in on that side with the spray and so when Stiles does get in , expecting warmth and his beautiful boyfriend smiling at him, he is met with cold water and his beautiful boyfriend smirking at him and Stiles kinda flails and is like “OMG! Derek!” and he almost falls but Derek catches him and reaches around to turn the water to a warmer setting but it’s to late and Stiles is slightly cold so he tells Derek exactly that and Derek just winks at him and pulls him close and says “I’ll keep you warm. Always.” Then they stare at each other with soft smiles, talk about there day while washing each other, and then afterwards slow amazing sexy time happens. @crossroadswrite@pale-silver-comb or anyone else want to add something? I’m not really good at this, it’s actually the first thing I’ve written for sterek.
@worldofshea you’re doing fine, nothing to add this is beautiful
I asked my boyfriend in Canada once, how he deals with polar bears because I was curious about what to do and he was like, just be calm, let them know you’re there, and give them space and they’ll usually just go away.
1) Explicitly bi woman played by bi actress gets lady love interest, and it’s played as adorable and a little hilarious and not weird and not titillating.
2) There are zero white people in this scene and it’s so normal on this show I almost missed that fact. (The other actor in this scene is Terry Crews)
3) All sapphics are useless around pretty women: confirmed
4) Gina Rodriguez is in a hoodie and a t-shirt and some comfy jeans and cute ankle boots. Zero hyper sexualization/male gaze. Still confirmed as gorgeous and sexy.
5) Color Me Badd is playing, which is legitimately what plays in my head when *I* see a pretty girl, so thank you for hitting my demographic super hard, show.
theproblemwithstardust 